Dear Ashton

by Deborah Bradshaw
(Lubbock, Tx USA)

I miss you, my sweet boy. You were my best friend for 18 years and to know you're gone is still something my heart cannot understand. I miss your sweet face... I miss running my fingers through your ears and kissing your silky cheeks.

I miss you greeting me at the door, and the way you would wake me up in the mornings. I always laughed at you with such joy when you'd wag your tail hard enough to make the bed shake so I'd wake up and take you outside! And I'd laugh even more when you'd "sneeze" if I didn't get up after all the tail-wagging. I always adored the way you took that trick and turned it into a way of communicating.

I miss walking with you. I miss the confidence that you'd stick right by me... You were a part of me so naturally, you couldn't run off. We were one.

We were one so intensely that I was always aware of where you were, even when I wasn't aware of where you were! Moving around in the kitchen with you underfoot was never a challenge because my soul simply knew where you were. I believe you always knew the same about me. I enjoyed how you would seek me out in the house just to be with me. You loved me as much as I loved you, I know.

I miss the way you would comfort me when I was sad. How did you know? I could walk in the door feeling sad and my own family wouldn't notice, but you would. You would come to me so sweetly, bow your head and snuggle up in my arms or legs. Oh how I wish you could do that now, to comfort me in this. Maybe then I’d be ok.

Laughing as you played with your toys, shaking them fiercely back and forth, then launching them forward so you could chase after them was always such a joy. I loved playing chase and hide-and-go-seek with you! You were so smart... Hiding from you as you looked and looked and looked for me was always fun because you never gave up until you found me. Are you looking for me now? Do you know that you will eventually find me?

You were such a joy to everyone who met you. Numerous people bought little black poodles after meeting you, somehow believing they'd get a dog like you! Little did they know that your loving, intelligent nature were all just who you were. Not everyone can be like you. Your essence was just love...

I miss you, my sweet boy. I miss your love, your presence, your hair… I miss our morning routine and how you knew down to the last detail what needed to happen each morning. If I ever forgot one detail, I’d see you standing there, waiting, as if to tell me, “Hey, you forgot my medicine!”

You were so smart and capable of communicating. Since we knew each other so well, I understood you with just one glance. But even people who did not know you were able to understand what you wanted. You figured out how to talk to us. You found such strong ways of communicating.

My arms miss you just as much as my heart does. They feel so very empty without you to hold. The way I would carry you in my left arm always felt so natural and now, it’s as if I’ve lost that arm completely. We were one. I am an incomplete me, now. I miss kissing the top of your head as I held you. I miss feeling your heart beat against my hand.

I was so sad when you got sick. But you were such a trooper! You still radiated love and joy, even in the pain I know you must have been feeling. Even when you began to fall over and were then unable to stand, you still told me you loved me. I felt you fading away, but even then, you reminded me of your love.

Is it ok that I put you to sleep? Were you ok with that? I still fear it was selfish of me… I couldn’t bear to see you in that condition any more, so I ended it. I hope you know it was out of my tremendous love for you. I hope it was mercy. I hope it showed my love for you. I hope it was right.

I miss you my sweet boy. You were my best friend for 18 years. 18 years… That’s more than half of my life, and now you’re gone. Oh, how I miss you.

I thank God for the time we did have together. I thank God for giving me that kind of love in my life for such a long time. I believe you helped me become the person I am today because of your love and goodness. I am grateful, but still, I miss you. My heart is so very sad without you to love. But that love was wonderful and I would not trade it for anything.

We will be together again. I say that both to you and to me. I say it to me to keep me going; to you because it is true. I am glad that you are in a place where you do not feel pain or sickness. I am glad that I will someday get to be there with you.

Keep looking for me, little boy. Keep searching with the same confidence that you’ll find me that you’ve always had. It may take you a while to find my hiding spot this time, but I am hiding with continued love for you and confidence that you’ll find me. You’re so smart and dedicated that I have no doubt you will find me and we will be together again. Then, we will play and snuggle and love forever. You’ll find me, I know.

Until then, I love you Ashton. I miss you. Thank you for the love you gave to me. Thank you for the heart you gave me. Thank you for being my best friend.

Love,
Deborah